DNA Denied

Why even test? What do you hope to find in your DNA results?

Depressed sums up how I feel about our latest DNA revelation. It was big news, still is. However, not all parties were as excited as we were to learn of this big news. For 56 years, my husband has lived on this Earth. Most of those years, he knew he was adopted. Most of those years, he has searched. For? A deep understanding of what makes him tick in ways that no one in his adoptive family ticks. There are things. He stands out.

Birth momma has been known for a couple of decades now (without DNA assistance). She died before we could meet. Maternal birth sibling connections were made instead. They recognized him as part of their family. On that deep DNA level, they acknowledged him regardless of some painful memories that it evoked. He was not turned away. We thank them for that and recognize it probably was not easy at times to open their heart to a brother from a less than happy part of their own childhoods.

How powerful and personal that acknowledgement is! The denial of which is just as devastating.

The DNA pursuit of his paternal birth father seemed the only hopeful route. Spit in a tube, wait for your email that your results are ready, then what? Story after story can be told about how the latest DNA testing services can put together families that were separated via adoption, reveal secret family connections, or assist law enforcement in the pursuit of cold case answers. What we have learned along the DNA test route is that not all tests glean useful answers. You also have to learn a lot of basic biology to follow the results. What then?

We used FamilyTreeDNA as our first testing service in 2010. The results gave a pretty exciting answer. Ashkenazi Jewish. Your paternal side is 100% Ashkenazi Jewish. Wow! Yet, there were no close matches and few we contacted responded back.  Why did they even take a DNA test?  Now what? 

Fast forward to Christmas 2018. I had been an Ancestry subscriber for years yet had never taken their DNA service seriously. It finally sank in though that we needed to try a different database, a more well known database, one that had been advertising on TV for a good while and would attract a wide variety of testers, just for the fun of it. We took advantage of the holiday sale pricing for the autosomal DNA (family finder) test.

Spit in a tube, wait for the email that your DNA results are ready, then what? A bomb shell dropped. His number one match said “Predicted relationship: parent/child – immediate family member.” Ethnicity: European Jewish. Shared DNA=3,441 cms across 58 DNA segments. Wow! It is him! No kidding! 56 years later and my husband finally knows who his birth father is. What now?

Reach out, say hi; I have been looking for you for so long; can we have a conversation? Just to get to know each other. Not so fast! What if he never knew you existed? What if this is a bomb shell for him, too? What if he did know you existed? Bomb shell just the same.

We waited a few days. Then, sent a private message via Ancestry asking if we could talk and get to know each other, a little or a lot, whatever he was comfortable with. No response. What we do know here is that birth father does not manage his own Ancestry DNA account. Birth father’s wife does. Our message was sent to birth father’s wife. We sent a follow up message three weeks later asking about their thoughts, feelings, and to simply confirm receipt of our message. No reply. Just the immediate cold act of blocking us from sending any more messages. Loud and clear.

This brings up a whole host of possible emotions going on in their household. It also makes us wonder if she will tell him. This father/son conversation cannot take place without her blessing. The lack of acknowledgement is powerful and painful. Now what?

Wait for a softening of her/his heart. Pray for their family. We are not the only ones that see the DNA matches. There are many close DNA matches on his paternal side. Will any of them reach out to say hi, who are you? If not, this begs the question, Why did they do a DNA test?

Pray for our next steps, if any.